London, Paris, New York

For a girl who once considered venturing outside Zone 1 an intrepid adventure, I have been living a remarkably jet-set lifestyle in recent months: Marrakesh in October, New York in December, Paris in January. In the course of racking up these airmiles I couldn’t help but notice certain essential differences between the great cities of Paris, New York and my native London. But how best to communicate my sweeping, spurious and stereotypical observations?

I’ve always been rather taken with Craig Brown’s ‘We, You, They’ series:

‘We concentrate on the food
You enjoy the silence
Their marriage is on the rocks’

‘I can still fit into these old trunks
You are holding in your stomach
He should wear a shirt’

And so, in the spirit of doing nothing whatsoever to improve international relations I would like to share my reflections on these three capitals. With apologies to Craig Brown.

Londoners drive on the left
New Yorkers drive on the right
Parisians see how the mood takes them

Londoners feed the pigeons
New Yorkers call in the exterminators
Parisians have pigeon pie for breakfast

Londoners clean up after their dog
New Yorkers hire someone to clean up after their dog
Parisians are knee deep in merde

London is a hive of activity
New York is gridlocked
Paris is an accident waiting to happen

Parisians enjoy a croissant

New Yorkers grab a bagel
Londoners regurgitate last night’s doner-kebab

Paris’ tourists make the pilgrimage to Notre Dame
London’s tourists ride the Millennium Wheel
New York’s tourists visit the Apple Store

London cabbies know the roads
Parisian cabbies know the language
New York cabbies barely know how to drive

Parisians enjoy the finer things in life
New Yorkers invented the Cosmopolitan
Londoners have their stomachs pumped

Londoners admire Shakespeare at the Globe
Parisians applaud Giselle at the Palais Garnier
New Yorkers cheer on the players at Madison Square Gardens

Paris is the city of romance
New York gave us Sex and the City
London’s teen-pregnancy rate is through the roof